this blog is still...

... ALIVE!

i just dont get the luxury to update it. i'd rather waste it to sleep.. if that's called a waste.

ill update this blog soon.. when i can finally breathe and learn to swim in my pool of work.

for now, i can say.. i'm okay. im fine. something new. i think i gained an acquaintance but i lost a friend. it's okay, im getting used to it.

ill be back here soon... :)

flight

...fly!

obem <3
(thanks to ate dar for the pic)

i attended the leadership training seminar yesterday that was facilitated by ACT, a group of friends that conduct leadership seminar for free to some schools. i have been very tired and stressed for the past few days but there were no regrets in waking up early on a saturday to attend a whole day seminar. through the seminar and the activities that they prepared for us, i've picked up a lot of things about myself, my friends and my orgmates. one of the activity was named as "the flight" and it was done to point out that in a team, there are times that you have to be the leader but there also times that you have to be a follower. that being in a team, you must work in a give and take relationship for the team to fly. it is always a compromise. we always have our strengths to be used to support other people's weakness and we have our own failures and flaws wherein our teammate must stood up for us. again, everything is a compromise. i teach you, you teach me. it is also an issue of trust. you cant see, im incapacitated. listen to me and you'll be safe. trust. thanks to my partner in that activity. :)

it was also a day where i was exposed to some things that can make or more of break me. it's something that almost stop the momentum i was in. it sucks. it's damn frustrating! i just felt that i'm still not enough. and that questioned the reason why i am doing some things. it also put a period to a long been asked question. the answer: most probably no! not now. and from there, i started questioning myself again, when...? why...? can i do it now? what will i do? how...?i know that my decision will disappoint someone but i have my reasons... and everything will be in His time. maybe there's someone more deserving than i am...that's why.

bakit natatakot lumipad ang sisiw? bakit mahirap para sa kanyang lumipad sa unang pagkakataon kahit na alam niyang may pakpak at makakalipad siya? marahil, ito ay dahil sa oras na lumipad siya maari na siyang mahulog, masaktan at hindi na makabangon pa...

=\ :) :( :-S :'( =|

oh yes.. at last nakapag post din. wierd kasi everyday i go online but i dont really have the luxury of time to post here. well its because i have a toxic life now...

updates/kwento/points learned:

1.) two weeks na akong gumagawa ng case.. everyday ako umuuwi ng 830-9 pm for two consecutive weeks now. this is why my life is toxic. nakaka-exhaust talaga. it is stressful but honestly, im loving my ba141 because of this cases. minsan nga pakiramdam ko adik na ako eh.yaaakkk!

2.) third presenting group kami sa ba 141.. last wednesday dapat nag report na kami at nagpaterrorize sa aming prof.. pero hindi nya kami sinipot last wednesday so na move kami last friday... but for the second time around! no signs of sir Pineda! arrrggghh.. nakakawalang gana talaga! nakakainis ung feeling na kinakabahan ka para sa wala plus the fact pa na naka corporate attire kami.. hassle un! it's not fun to wake up earlier than you should be because you just have to go to school early and prepare for nothing! that's BS! :(

3.) i am tired! as in PAGOD! to the point na hindi na ako nagigising in time for my first class.. which is not so me.. oh Lord! help me with this.. it very unusual of me to be absent dahil lang sa hindi ako nagising..at sana din hindi pasaway ang fone ko :(

4.) im okay now, i guess, pero minsan dinadalaw ako ng sumpong and feel sad but that happens sometimes na lang kaya i think okay na din ako. besides hindi na din naman siya naka permanently offline sa ym ko eh and we now talk the normal way..so maybe im okay now.two facts remains unchanged... miss ko na siya at magaling talaga siya sa timing.he knows when i need him.

5.) having a boyfriend/girlfriend is like having additional 6 units in your work load as a college student.

6.) people who are not in a relationship becomes workaholic because they dont have anyone to give their time to so they use all of their time being productive

7.) i am a workaholic. and now i am asking myself: is it better to have additional 6 units or just be a workaholic? hmmm...

8.) a body at rest remains at rest until a force acts on it. ;) -> a very important lesson learned!

9.) there are some things or people that will not always stay beside you. but can be back beside you sometimes..when you are a friend.

10.) lahat tayo ay makakahanap ng mga katapat natin. mga taong makakapagpatigil sa atin kung hindi kaya ng iba. mga taong gagawin kang tanga kahit anong talino mo pa. mga taong maiituring mong karma. kanya kanyang oras lang yan.

11.) i hate to see a strong lady drop on her knees and cry for a guy. and i then realized how i looked like when i did that pero buti na lang i did that when im alone. i totally feel for you girl, i understand. there's just one thing i dont. pero akin na lang yun to figure out.

12.) ang hina ko pala pumick up ng mga nangyayari sa paligid ko. i thought everything was okay pero hindi pala. im sorry.

13.) i am a loner at times and i do love to walk.. :)

14.) i miss high school and friends. :(

15.) im pissed! hindi ka ba naman mainitindihan ng nanay mo eh?! hindi ko naman ginusto na umuwi ng late for two weeks. at almost a month na kaming hindi in good terms.. but as promised to my dad, ill fix this given the time. :(

16.) tumatakaw na naman ako! tsk.. at nabubuhay ako dahil sa chocolate... baaaaddd!

17.) i have tendencies to oversleep! and it ruins my life! huhuhu.. baaaadddd agen! :-s

18.) loser ako dahil ang tagal ko nang hindi nakakapunta ng mall :( i miss shopping!

18.) panira talaga ng buhay ang academics! dahil kasi jan hindi matutuloy ang hongkong trip ko this august! sh*t naman oh!

19.) white corporate tops are must haves and investments for business students... another loser me! eh kasi naman.. all my corporate tops are pink!

20.) the feeling was once mutual. but it was never of equal weight. :'( unfair pa rin! haha!

buti na lang may blog to let everything out especially at times na wala kang makausap kasi busy sila sa ibang bagay or ibang tao. :(
sa makakabasa: salamat kasi para ka na ring nakinig sakin. :)

best friends

"Best friends"

"...are the ones who are most closest to you..but they do have some quirks compared to "friends"...they are so close to you that they don't ask permission to take something of yours...they take it...they make you laugh until you choke on your own phlegm when your sick...and then laugh about that...they are the ones you can tell your deepest darkest secrets..and they share the burden of that secret..with the gift of laughter....they can see something horrible...as an opportunity spend a great day..and enjoy that darkness..in the lightest way possible....basically...having a a best friend is like an oxymoron...they make you feel the anguishes of life as the most dreamiest things in the world...but no matter..a best friend..always has limits...and sets rules..and loves you like a sister/brother..and cares for you like a mother/father...and teaches you like a grandma/grandpa (even with little experience)..and enjoys spending time together like lovers ..."

but sometimes, i see it as a word that have a "curse" with it because i've known a lot of "best friends" breaking up or are still together but doesn't get tired of fighting..but i'm not saying that it's true for all cases.

which is why i don't label someone my "best friend" but i call the chosen few as my "true friends" and have God as my "best Friend". For years, i never heard someone to call me his/her best friend. well, i guess it's something not to be broad casted but still, being considered as one is an overwhelming feeling. it should be.

i should be. but im not...

...because it was different yesterday. we're not in that boat before. you just made things harder for me. you should have just let me run away and get another life. selfish...


nice role for me to play in your chaotic stage...

nothing more nothing less

i just love listening to our parish priest's homily. it makes a lot of sense, of course, it MUST.

it's about judging how other people live and do with their lives. we often judge the people around us by the way they look, the way they act and their actions specially when faced in life situations but we dont really know and we dont fully understand why do these people does things the way they chose to. sila lang naman talaga ang nakakaalam kung bakit ganon sila at kung bakit yun ang ginawa nila, hindi tayo. tapos tayo pa ang may gana na manghusga sa kanila eh c Lord naman ang nagdrowing nang buhay nila.. we were just too absorbed by the way we live our lives that we want to see other people live it the way we do.. and all the while, all we need to do and all they're asking us is just to UNDERSTAND. and not JUDGE.

after that, i asked my self. do i really understand my friend's decision?

then i went back to the details and realized that i did something wrong and something is still wrong with me. i insisted something that i thought would be the right thing to do but honestly, i insisted that because i think it's in favor of me, because that's what i want and that's how i will act if placed in that situation. i pursued it because i dont want to be in a new set up, because i am happy with the old one. something is wrong with me because i said that i understand everything, but honestly, I DONT and maybe i dont want to pick up the thought.

i lied. i judged. i am too close to understand and to accept the reasons behind that silly, stupid decision.

it maybe selfish but i just want things on my side. and that's why i am still trying my best to convince my friend. but i guess it's too late for me now.



you've decided.

so please

keep your word!

or else...

waiting room...

...it's a room where hopes are up.

i'm in the waiting room for a long time but it looks like i'm giving up.


i just what to SHOUT. shout til i drop. shout til everything inside me gets out...

until nothing's left.

when you know what to do...

...then why not do it?

why wait for me? why wait for the worst?

is it really needed that one must reach the worst scenario before he would do something about it..isn't it annoying that one keeps on complaining about the life that he's got though the key to his sufferings is just in his pocket!

it is tiring to help other people patch things up in their life while you cant fix your own..and you see them that they did not even put a single effort..frustrating.

i just dont know what to do with this crap..

...bakit ba naman kasi lagi akong napapasok sa ganitong sitwayon?

Lord, am i too good that i have to carry some of other people's burden? haiiii......

it ends here.

i guess my "summer fun" ends here..my supposedly last summer trip to batangas with the team building class today was canceled for the weather forbids.. and tada! a trip wasted leaving excited students bored and hanging.

my summer ends here to be followed by a two or three bummer and dvd marathon weeks..or maybe a chance for me to save up for months of sleepless nights and stressful days coming up..

summer is officially over for me and it's the start of boredom and dull rainy days.. :(

..which results to a number of whatever lists...

must-haves and must-dos before classes starts..

• 10 or more hours of sleep everyday
• supeerrr clean my room again
• SHOPPING! SHOPPING! SHOPPING!
• a day with friends!! please...
  
• see iron man in the movie house
• visit a salon
• see a beach..though it's now rainy...
• a bonding with my team building class
• get a new battery for my laptop
• go out and drive out of town...
  
• to learn the guitar again..seriously this time..

on a more serious note..i often read and hear stories of people talking about their existence and them making the best out of their existence..so out of the blue..i just asked myself..why is it that it seems that i don't really know what to do with myself, why is it that i cant see my self in the future...

why do i exist?

• to TRAVEL
• feel
• be strong for other people's weakness
  
• save humankind from its extinction--reproduce! hahaha...
• be an angel to someone
• create friendships
• love
• add to my parents' burden
• serve the real purpose why i exist..sad but still i don't know what it is....

and now, what do i want?

• visit all the places on earth
• get a high paying job or a rich-high-earning husband (hahaha)
• have my own restaurant and be the master chef
• learn photography
• backpacking
• publish a book before i die
• be with someone
• play touch rugby again, learn tennis, gymnastics, pilates, wake boarding and surfing
• be called an athlete
• fly a kite
• become a drifter
• make my parents proud and get them up the stage to hand me my medal
• receive an extra-ordinary wedding proposal (but not necessarily get married..hahaha)
• dance in the rain with someone
• stargaze

too much for the list...this is the result of a saturday afternoon boredom inside the house.....tsk tsk..

potpot

i was with my tito brian for the whole day today...and he let me know na naka schedule na yung wedding nila ng kanyang girlfriend for 10 years (lupet!) and picked me up sa haus to go to the designer for the gowns... honestly, i am happy but i am really sad.. xempre happy ako kasi he'll get married and finally he have enough sense of responsibility to start a family...pero nasad talaga ako kc tito brian was like my dad, big brother and friend.. super over protective din nya..and i grew up with him, ever since baby ako kasama ko na yan...tapos ngayon he's really getting married..

he's the only one now calling me "potpot" (my nickname nung bata ako) tapos knina sa car.. nung tinawag nya akong potpot sbi nya "ay dalaga ka na pla..pero ikaw a rin c potpot ko"

waah..i'm really gonna miss him when he's married na..wala nang mang-aagaw ng fone ko to check my messages...wala nang magchecheck ng bag ko to look for whatever evidence or signs of boyfriend...wla nang mang-aasar sakin ng "sungit"...pero ako pa rin ang potpot nya..

actually, hindi naman talga xa mawawala eh..pero xempre a lot of things will not be the same as before..pero ano nga ba naman magagawa ko diba but to be thankful coz he chose to have a better future...

potpot's wishing him the best in everything.. :)

still

just today.. i cant look at him directly..

i ate my breakfast quietly but he still tried to share what happened to him yesterday..

i left for school quietly but he still bid bye bye..

i dont want to go home early but still he waited..

i kept quiet and pretend but still he kissed me and left...

he left again..but still i didnt grab the chance to say something..

"take care..we'll miss you"

im still weak at goodbyes.. i hate it..

2.75

"Lord, please.. give me a three here.. please Lord... balato mo na skin toh..please..."
-an hour before the econ 106 exam..

i was dead shaking while waiting for 2 pm..thoughts dont want to stop running on my mind..trying to remember formulas but nothing appears...trying to refresh how to do those silly equations..everything was mixed up..and it seems that the clock was running at a faster rate than usual..and more "dug dug" i feel inside.. and i feel water in my eyes.. and all i did was pray "Lord, please."

and here is susan with her usual porma carrying a buch of papers and orange card pieces.

"Lord, please"

"all those who have taken all the quizzes may have the finals optional!" -susan

"Lord, please"

"Thank You Lord"
(plus tears of joy)

it's more than what i deserve...i asked for a balato...but You gave me a present! and a big one! it may not be that high compared to others but it's more than enough. and i really am grateful and blessed!

there were reasons why things do not happen now...why somethings are gone when you need it... why things break you... God has His own time...we just have to wait for it. He doesnt put you on things that will destroy you. all the time spent studying was not wasted because on the process of studying for that exam, i have realized where i went wrong, what my short comings are and how to deal with the next things to come. for almost two months, i have been struggling with a lot of aspects in my life but little by little there are signs of light for me that get me through the end.

Miracles DO happen! :)

tama ba ang ginawa ko?

i miss ym so i signed in..without even realizing na hindi ako invi..c GOD tlga..playful! haha.

"BUZZ!" "BUZZ!"

oh crap! a big mistake!...though i thought it'll be the usual..but no.

"xa:ei hehe..musta."

sbi na eh..always make sure that you are invisible specially at your state ryt now! so the conversation goes on...lalala..

"xa: haha.. pahinga ka, so wla ka na pasok bukas?"

what? agen? ano daw ggwin ko? wat? i never heard that since last year i guess. and i thought i was fine. so it's not the right time for that..argh..

"zel: pasalamat ka. :P

xa: ang galing! haha tanx.

xa:savior tlga kita kahit saan. :-P

zel: haha..ntawa nmn ako dun!

xa:hehe.. ur my savior...! :))

zel: tgilan mo ko noh!

xa: savior!

zel: hnd k tlga ttgil? ang kulit mo tlga khit anong mngyri noh?!

xa: hehe xempre.. hehe

xa:savior,, papalitan ko na sa phone ko pangalan mo.. nakalagay.."

i never expected that..so that's what he thinks..honestly, i dont know what to feel about this..it seems to me n un na nga tlga ang role ko..nakakalungkot.. pero hnd ko tlga alam..ang gulo.

"zel: pero minsan ba naisip mo na nagalit ako sau?

xa: oo.....

zel: tlga? kelan?

xa: nung sa paper ko sa fil 25..bkit?

zel: wla nmn..

xa: bkit nga?

zel: wla nmn.......tma ka."

this started everything...ewan ko kung anong nakain ko that i had the courage to ask..but i know i got to do this..to clear things and to have a better friendship maybe? or to have a better ending?

this is just the start of that conversation..mahaba pa ito. to sum up every thing... he is sensitive enough to feel, but he's not that brave to face me and say sorry at least. maraming bagay ang nasagot and with those answered questions things may never be the same as before (i just dont know if that would be a good one)...i got my faults din..and im sorry.

realization: we're both afraid.

ryt?

sauteed ampalaya

Ang taong may mababang self esteem

kapag tinapakan mo pa..

eh ano na lang ang matitira?!

you just love to do that to me huh?

is it fun?

is it entertaining?

i believe in karma (read: Karma)

malay natin bka tom..or sa friday.

hope you had fun.

at sa mga taong insensitive.

cge ipagpatuloy mo lang ang pagpapamukha nang kung ano man ang nangyari..

i hope you're aware kung ano ang feeling nang ganon..

but as i've said..

insensitive.

arggh.

miss the play.

there were really some things that are not meant for you to have. that even if it's already in your hand, you have to let it slip for some reasons...

for some reasons, i chose to let it go. why? because i have weighed things out.

the only reason why i keep on being there is because i am happy doing it. and because i am happy. another thing is that i am happy. well, obviously i only got one reason for it. I AM HAPPY.

but i guess it is not enough for me to be there..

i have other priorities and it would be vey unfair if i'll keep them hanging in there..
it will be very unfair if ill just give them the spare in the very little time that i have..

i maybe happy if i stay.. but this is the reason why we never ran out of choices.


i'll miss the play. :(

got to go.

i have my reasons why..

infairness you are sensitive enough to notice..

but you are not sensitive enough to think that you're the reason why i am like that....

yes, you pissed me off!!!!

i never expected you to act like that when you're with them and you acted like that in front of me. i am very much disappointed. you acted like i am just a familiar face or maybe a classmate from one of your class. it's unfair that you treated me like that and it seems to me that you only see me as someone who is capable of giving you solutions to your problems and not as your friend. you made me feel that you have no choice but to be with me and not that you wanted my company. you made me feel that i am your last option.

"may class k p? wla ako ksma eh.."

"san k? samahan mo ko. kaen tau."

who gave you the right to made me your last option?! sh*t!

"pwede namang huminde.."

oh yeah right! it is an option that i never thought of and something that i dont know how to do..and it's a sad thing for me. lucky you 'coz you got me where i am weak at.

there are times that i just want to ask you.. "what am i to you? do you consider me your friend or just one of those helpful people you can hang on to?!" but i know that i might offend you and besides, you wont give any good answer either..

" steady lang" remember this huh?

look, i am not asking you to give me everything in return or to give back the same weight i have given..i am just asking some respect and value. i dont really know what to do with you. i dont know if i should get rid of you which maybe somewhat torture for me or just let things be.

you are completely a different person when you are with them than you are with me.. maybe that's why you pissed me off but still...who gave you the right to make me just your second best?!

that's it.

:'(

ang fire exit, yosi at cotton candy

akala ko kung anong bilog na malaki
at kulay pula itong ipapakain mo
at sa gulat ko nanlibre ka
ng cotton candy ni manong dyan sa may CAL.

pumasok tayo sa FC

at pumunta sa fire exit sa ikalawang palapag

habang pinagsasaluhan ang cotton candy

sa katahimikan ng fire exit na iyon
sabay nating kinain ang cotton candy
habang tanaw ang mga tao sa ibaba

pinagsaluhan din natin

ang usok ng iyong yosi

kasabay ang kung anu-anong

kwento at tawanan

sa sandaling panahong naging

atin ang fire exit na iyon

may ibang kabog sa dibdib ko

na nagsasabing sana ay

hindi na matapos ang oras na iyon

sa paglasap natin ng cotton candy
ang aking mga labi'y
gustong sumigaw na sana ay laging
matamis ang bawat oras na kasama ka.

sa bawat buga mo ng usok ng yosi

kasabay noon ang takot sa akin

na kasing bilis ng paglaho ng usok na iyon

ang pagtakbo ng oras.

sa kahit sandaling panahon, pinaranas mo sa akin

ang fire exit, yosi at cotton candy

ikaw ang fire exit

kung saan ako tumatakas mula sa aking mundo

ikaw ang yosi na nagdadala sa akin

ng magaang pakiramdam

at ikaw ang cotton candy

na nagbibigay tamis sa buhay ko.

lumipas man ang lahat, ako'y babalik sa fire exit dala ang cotton candy at yosi.

at sana ay kasama ka.