flight

...fly!

obem <3
(thanks to ate dar for the pic)

i attended the leadership training seminar yesterday that was facilitated by ACT, a group of friends that conduct leadership seminar for free to some schools. i have been very tired and stressed for the past few days but there were no regrets in waking up early on a saturday to attend a whole day seminar. through the seminar and the activities that they prepared for us, i've picked up a lot of things about myself, my friends and my orgmates. one of the activity was named as "the flight" and it was done to point out that in a team, there are times that you have to be the leader but there also times that you have to be a follower. that being in a team, you must work in a give and take relationship for the team to fly. it is always a compromise. we always have our strengths to be used to support other people's weakness and we have our own failures and flaws wherein our teammate must stood up for us. again, everything is a compromise. i teach you, you teach me. it is also an issue of trust. you cant see, im incapacitated. listen to me and you'll be safe. trust. thanks to my partner in that activity. :)

it was also a day where i was exposed to some things that can make or more of break me. it's something that almost stop the momentum i was in. it sucks. it's damn frustrating! i just felt that i'm still not enough. and that questioned the reason why i am doing some things. it also put a period to a long been asked question. the answer: most probably no! not now. and from there, i started questioning myself again, when...? why...? can i do it now? what will i do? how...?i know that my decision will disappoint someone but i have my reasons... and everything will be in His time. maybe there's someone more deserving than i am...that's why.

bakit natatakot lumipad ang sisiw? bakit mahirap para sa kanyang lumipad sa unang pagkakataon kahit na alam niyang may pakpak at makakalipad siya? marahil, ito ay dahil sa oras na lumipad siya maari na siyang mahulog, masaktan at hindi na makabangon pa...

"ang bulag nga meron eh..

...ako wala!"

i just remembered this line kanina.. someone said this to me months ago, pertaining to the love life topic.

i said this line to myself while i was walking alone and then i secretly laughed. i laughed because i realized that life was really playful and funny. isnt it ironic that those who cant see the world have a happy love life and us who are completely well have none? kung sino pa ang may maayos at malinaw na mata, at nakikita ang katotohanan ay siya pang mga single sa mundo?... nakakatawa di ba? natatawa din ako dahil totoo ang statement, mabuti pa ang bulag may significant other..ako zero! yun ba ang kapalit dahil nakakakita ako?..kung oo, uhm.. cge okay na rin! isa sa fears ko ay ang mabulag dahil takot ako sa dilim... pero kung pwede kahit isang araw, mabubulag ako.. i guess, ill grab the chance..why not? at least ma-eexperience ko ang feeling...

but seriously, i think the answer to that statement is: kasi kapag bulag ang isang tao, mas malakas ang ibang senses niya kaya mas malakas ang pakiramdam nila so they wont miss out those feelings like being love and the fact pa that being blind disables you to see the imperfections of people and what really matters is what you feel. oha! oha!

dun naman sa nagsabi nito sa akin: alam ko ang sagot kung bakit ikaw wala.. hindi ka nga bulag, maliit lang ang mata mo pero nakakakita ka, pero ikaw ay isa't kalahating pipi at lima't kalahating duwag! hahaha!

at ako: isa't kalahati ding pipi at isa't kalahating t@ng@! too bad... but it's okay...

hahahaha!

akala nyo nagbibiro ako ah..

hahahaha!!! everybody thought that i was joking nung cnabi kong "ill bring the car today" kaya cneryoso ko talaga..dinala ko nga ung car...then when im finally in UP...i texted my mom and let her know na dala ko nga ung car...tawagan b naman daw ako sa cell phone and panic! haha..

well, nagddrive naman na talaga ako ever since i turned 18..pero i always make sure that someone who knows to drive is with me..mejo mabigat kc ung car ni dad kaya im afraid na bka mabangga ko un..kaya cguro hindi ako cneryoso ni mama and ng mga kapatid ko nung cnabi kong "ill bring the car today"..hahaha..

achievement toh..mejo na at ease na din ako to drive alone..hehe :)

naki ride pa ung team building classmates ko...my first ever passengers... yey!! :)

potpot

i was with my tito brian for the whole day today...and he let me know na naka schedule na yung wedding nila ng kanyang girlfriend for 10 years (lupet!) and picked me up sa haus to go to the designer for the gowns... honestly, i am happy but i am really sad.. xempre happy ako kasi he'll get married and finally he have enough sense of responsibility to start a family...pero nasad talaga ako kc tito brian was like my dad, big brother and friend.. super over protective din nya..and i grew up with him, ever since baby ako kasama ko na yan...tapos ngayon he's really getting married..

he's the only one now calling me "potpot" (my nickname nung bata ako) tapos knina sa car.. nung tinawag nya akong potpot sbi nya "ay dalaga ka na pla..pero ikaw a rin c potpot ko"

waah..i'm really gonna miss him when he's married na..wala nang mang-aagaw ng fone ko to check my messages...wala nang magchecheck ng bag ko to look for whatever evidence or signs of boyfriend...wla nang mang-aasar sakin ng "sungit"...pero ako pa rin ang potpot nya..

actually, hindi naman talga xa mawawala eh..pero xempre a lot of things will not be the same as before..pero ano nga ba naman magagawa ko diba but to be thankful coz he chose to have a better future...

potpot's wishing him the best in everything.. :)

still

just today.. i cant look at him directly..

i ate my breakfast quietly but he still tried to share what happened to him yesterday..

i left for school quietly but he still bid bye bye..

i dont want to go home early but still he waited..

i kept quiet and pretend but still he kissed me and left...

he left again..but still i didnt grab the chance to say something..

"take care..we'll miss you"

im still weak at goodbyes.. i hate it..

tama ba ang ginawa ko?

i miss ym so i signed in..without even realizing na hindi ako invi..c GOD tlga..playful! haha.

"BUZZ!" "BUZZ!"

oh crap! a big mistake!...though i thought it'll be the usual..but no.

"xa:ei hehe..musta."

sbi na eh..always make sure that you are invisible specially at your state ryt now! so the conversation goes on...lalala..

"xa: haha.. pahinga ka, so wla ka na pasok bukas?"

what? agen? ano daw ggwin ko? wat? i never heard that since last year i guess. and i thought i was fine. so it's not the right time for that..argh..

"zel: pasalamat ka. :P

xa: ang galing! haha tanx.

xa:savior tlga kita kahit saan. :-P

zel: haha..ntawa nmn ako dun!

xa:hehe.. ur my savior...! :))

zel: tgilan mo ko noh!

xa: savior!

zel: hnd k tlga ttgil? ang kulit mo tlga khit anong mngyri noh?!

xa: hehe xempre.. hehe

xa:savior,, papalitan ko na sa phone ko pangalan mo.. nakalagay.."

i never expected that..so that's what he thinks..honestly, i dont know what to feel about this..it seems to me n un na nga tlga ang role ko..nakakalungkot.. pero hnd ko tlga alam..ang gulo.

"zel: pero minsan ba naisip mo na nagalit ako sau?

xa: oo.....

zel: tlga? kelan?

xa: nung sa paper ko sa fil 25..bkit?

zel: wla nmn..

xa: bkit nga?

zel: wla nmn.......tma ka."

this started everything...ewan ko kung anong nakain ko that i had the courage to ask..but i know i got to do this..to clear things and to have a better friendship maybe? or to have a better ending?

this is just the start of that conversation..mahaba pa ito. to sum up every thing... he is sensitive enough to feel, but he's not that brave to face me and say sorry at least. maraming bagay ang nasagot and with those answered questions things may never be the same as before (i just dont know if that would be a good one)...i got my faults din..and im sorry.

realization: we're both afraid.

ryt?

see you...

...on summer.

=s