i know the answer.

paano magiging tama kung umpisa pa lang ay mali na. pano pa sa susunod?

ngayon alam ko na kung bakit.


frustrating.

**if only i can get out of this... i will. right now! =/

when it rains...

...it Fours.and fours hard.

sabi nila ang blessing daw kapag dumating sunod-sunod. at meron ding version na ang kamalasan daw kapag dumating sunod-sunod din! i can say it's true. well, it happened to me last friday, september 12, which is technically september 11 sa US. i dont know if it was just the date or it's just that it is not my day or one of my not-so-lucky day. i dont know. all i know is that IT SUCKS! CRAP!

i just discovered that it was someone's "happy" day and not mine of course! it hurts to know that. so i slept with bitterness. and then i woke up with a very pleasant text message "i'm sorry but we will cancel..." good morning. and because of this, someone started to panic and called for an emergency meeting with those in the position and explain ourselves. so i end up crying, thinking what went wrong, or is it my fault or what are the things that i should've done but i did not. tulala. then came an econ subject, with the release of the exam that was very hard.. and the result. sigh. then came the nerve wracking meeting. eto lang: nakakatakot sila. and lourd talked to me that made the tears fall hard. jeme wasnt able to go see me. sayang. i need my laptop. oh sh*t! power search? i dont know. one thing for sure. it doesnt want to open. all my files are in there. it's half of my life. tulala again. the only thing i got normally functioning was my cell phone. and at the middle of an important conversation with a tie up, low batt. i transferred the sim to another phone. low batt din. may lovers din na nag-aaway nung araw n un. muntik madapa c joms dahil sa akin, muntik din c topher. hinatid na lang ako ni io pauwi. buti wala nang nangyri.

hindi naman ako naligo ng malas sa araw na yon noh?! ewan ko ba.. ayokong sisihin ang petsang yun. ayoko na lang din idikit sa mga pangyayari ng nakaraan. pero ano ang dahilan ng lahat ng nangyari sa araw na iyon? trials Niya. pero bakit naman po ganun kalupit sa loob pa ng isang araw? madami pa namang araw ah?! hahahahahaha! pilosopo lang po.. senxa na.

::nasa pag-iisip ng tao. kung ano man ang iniisip natin ay siyang maaaring mangyari. dahil inisip natin, ginusto natin iyon..

snap

warfreak..

actually, hindi ko talaga alam ang nangyayari. hindi ko nga mainitindihan bakit ganito eh. hindi ko sinasadya. ngayon lang talaga ulit nangyari to... na may kaaway ako. or may taong galit sa akin.

kahapon lang, nagalit ako. hindi. mali. nainis lang ako. at siguro hindi ko nakontrol at lumabas lang siya nang hindi sinasadya. at naging dahilan yun para matakot ang isang tao sa akin at lumayo. hindi ako nagalit sa dahilang wala pa siyang nagagawa, nainis ako dahil sa salitang "ewan" mukhang mababaw pero subukan niyong suotin ang tsinelas ko, magiging malinaw ang punto ko. simpleng bagay. wag mo akong bigyan nang napakapilosopong sagot. lumipas na ang inis kahit hindi mo pa man ako bigyan nang dapat. nakonsensya din ako sa kinilos ko makalipas ang 10 minuto nang pagkainis. tinanong ko ang sarili ko kung may karapatan ba akong mainis at kung may punto ba ako sa ginawa ko.

kanina lang, may nagalit sa akin. may nabitawan akong hindi ko dapat nabitawan. maraming nasaktan. alam ko. hindi ako manhid. at may paki-alam ako. at may mga nakakaalam, hindi ako bulag. alam ko MALI ako. pero hindi ko sinasadya yun. humingi ako ng pasensya. may nakaintindi at nagpatawad. salamat. may hinihingan pa rin ako ng tawad. sana mainitindihan. dahil sa isang pagkakamali, may lamat na. pero susubukan kong ayusin at ibalik. cguro nga nakakagulat din dahil sa akin pa nanggaling yun. hindi magandang biro.

hindi ko alam kung bakit nangyayari eto. baka dala na din ng pagod. pero hindi pa rin yun katanggap-tanggap na dahilan para maging mali. masyado na din cguro akong nagiging prangka at komportable na palagay na ako na matatanggap nila kahit anong sabihin ko or kahit anong ipakita ko na madalas may eksplanasyon ako sa mga bagay na sasabihin ko at gagawin ko. at may mga panahon na walang laman ang bawat salitang sabihin ko. (ang hirap mag pure tagalog) people are used to seeing the good side of me. well, nobody is perfect. i have my flaws. isang reason din siguro kung bakit ginawa akong tahimik ni God para hindi na lang din ako makasakit. i think it's now better for me to get back to my box than lose what i have.

sshhhhhhhh...fix me.

last log in...

...53 minutes ago..

there are just certain things that are better off unknown. things you wish you never asked, never saw, never heard and sometimes never even felt....

best friends

"Best friends"

"...are the ones who are most closest to you..but they do have some quirks compared to "friends"...they are so close to you that they don't ask permission to take something of yours...they take it...they make you laugh until you choke on your own phlegm when your sick...and then laugh about that...they are the ones you can tell your deepest darkest secrets..and they share the burden of that secret..with the gift of laughter....they can see something horrible...as an opportunity spend a great day..and enjoy that darkness..in the lightest way possible....basically...having a a best friend is like an oxymoron...they make you feel the anguishes of life as the most dreamiest things in the world...but no matter..a best friend..always has limits...and sets rules..and loves you like a sister/brother..and cares for you like a mother/father...and teaches you like a grandma/grandpa (even with little experience)..and enjoys spending time together like lovers ..."

but sometimes, i see it as a word that have a "curse" with it because i've known a lot of "best friends" breaking up or are still together but doesn't get tired of fighting..but i'm not saying that it's true for all cases.

which is why i don't label someone my "best friend" but i call the chosen few as my "true friends" and have God as my "best Friend". For years, i never heard someone to call me his/her best friend. well, i guess it's something not to be broad casted but still, being considered as one is an overwhelming feeling. it should be.

i should be. but im not...

...because it was different yesterday. we're not in that boat before. you just made things harder for me. you should have just let me run away and get another life. selfish...


nice role for me to play in your chaotic stage...

and the ball starts to roll (part 2)

a wednesday. i'm not used in having classes at an early wednesday morning but i woke up ahead of my alarm again.. i woke up early but i was almost late for class because of some errands. it's already 8:30 and i was still in the line of the up-katips jeep. and i am so scared to be late for the first class..

ba 141 - prof. pineda:

he's not the guy i was expecting to enter the room. i pictured a decent man in a very corporate attire or even a man in slacks and checkered polo. but an old husky brusko man was in front the class and discussing everything in taglish.. and struck the class with (in my count) six t*ng*n* and three PI early in the morning. harsh! i dont really know if will i be terrified or will i take it as a joke. i dont know if i'll hate him. but he really scares and irritates me. plus he dismissed us late...evil prof???

econ 121- prof. paderanga:

i was not star strucked...but i think he's cute.. a chinito cute prof.. :) hopefully i'll enjoy his class.

lunch break! 11:30- 3 :

i had a free lunch courtesy of faye's birthday blow out! and a serious sem planning with fincom. and after the sem plan... the long wait starts... it seems that the clock isnt running... good thing io was there to bum with me.. maybe because of this long break, i'll hate my wednesdays and fridays. too bad, i still cant fiind someone to bum with me not in the tambayan but somewhere else..

econ 131 - prof. navarro:

finally it's 3pm and hi to susan again! there was only 20 students in the class...and as usual, she said that she's gonna find a checker for the exams and the chicken pox story again! haii! ill get through you again maam! hmf!

it's fun to see my teambuilding classmates again! too bad that i cant stay for long....
it was a rainy afternoon and looooooong lines of people waiting in the terminals of jeepneys.. traffic katipunan and a crowded national bookstore...
im really tired.



it seems that the ball rolled on a rough road on its second day...i am now feeling tired and grumpy.

nothing more nothing less

i just love listening to our parish priest's homily. it makes a lot of sense, of course, it MUST.

it's about judging how other people live and do with their lives. we often judge the people around us by the way they look, the way they act and their actions specially when faced in life situations but we dont really know and we dont fully understand why do these people does things the way they chose to. sila lang naman talaga ang nakakaalam kung bakit ganon sila at kung bakit yun ang ginawa nila, hindi tayo. tapos tayo pa ang may gana na manghusga sa kanila eh c Lord naman ang nagdrowing nang buhay nila.. we were just too absorbed by the way we live our lives that we want to see other people live it the way we do.. and all the while, all we need to do and all they're asking us is just to UNDERSTAND. and not JUDGE.

after that, i asked my self. do i really understand my friend's decision?

then i went back to the details and realized that i did something wrong and something is still wrong with me. i insisted something that i thought would be the right thing to do but honestly, i insisted that because i think it's in favor of me, because that's what i want and that's how i will act if placed in that situation. i pursued it because i dont want to be in a new set up, because i am happy with the old one. something is wrong with me because i said that i understand everything, but honestly, I DONT and maybe i dont want to pick up the thought.

i lied. i judged. i am too close to understand and to accept the reasons behind that silly, stupid decision.

it maybe selfish but i just want things on my side. and that's why i am still trying my best to convince my friend. but i guess it's too late for me now.



you've decided.

so please

keep your word!

or else...

when you know what to do...

...then why not do it?

why wait for me? why wait for the worst?

is it really needed that one must reach the worst scenario before he would do something about it..isn't it annoying that one keeps on complaining about the life that he's got though the key to his sufferings is just in his pocket!

it is tiring to help other people patch things up in their life while you cant fix your own..and you see them that they did not even put a single effort..frustrating.

i just dont know what to do with this crap..

...bakit ba naman kasi lagi akong napapasok sa ganitong sitwayon?

Lord, am i too good that i have to carry some of other people's burden? haiiii......

sauteed ampalaya

Ang taong may mababang self esteem

kapag tinapakan mo pa..

eh ano na lang ang matitira?!

you just love to do that to me huh?

is it fun?

is it entertaining?

i believe in karma (read: Karma)

malay natin bka tom..or sa friday.

hope you had fun.

at sa mga taong insensitive.

cge ipagpatuloy mo lang ang pagpapamukha nang kung ano man ang nangyari..

i hope you're aware kung ano ang feeling nang ganon..

but as i've said..

insensitive.

arggh.

see you...

...on summer.

=s

got to go.

i have my reasons why..

infairness you are sensitive enough to notice..

but you are not sensitive enough to think that you're the reason why i am like that....

yes, you pissed me off!!!!

i never expected you to act like that when you're with them and you acted like that in front of me. i am very much disappointed. you acted like i am just a familiar face or maybe a classmate from one of your class. it's unfair that you treated me like that and it seems to me that you only see me as someone who is capable of giving you solutions to your problems and not as your friend. you made me feel that you have no choice but to be with me and not that you wanted my company. you made me feel that i am your last option.

"may class k p? wla ako ksma eh.."

"san k? samahan mo ko. kaen tau."

who gave you the right to made me your last option?! sh*t!

"pwede namang huminde.."

oh yeah right! it is an option that i never thought of and something that i dont know how to do..and it's a sad thing for me. lucky you 'coz you got me where i am weak at.

there are times that i just want to ask you.. "what am i to you? do you consider me your friend or just one of those helpful people you can hang on to?!" but i know that i might offend you and besides, you wont give any good answer either..

" steady lang" remember this huh?

look, i am not asking you to give me everything in return or to give back the same weight i have given..i am just asking some respect and value. i dont really know what to do with you. i dont know if i should get rid of you which maybe somewhat torture for me or just let things be.

you are completely a different person when you are with them than you are with me.. maybe that's why you pissed me off but still...who gave you the right to make me just your second best?!

that's it.

:'(

tired.

i've been inside my room for the whole day today..studying or rather..trying to study for a crucial exam tomorrow..a sunday. i hate it! i cant enjoy my weekends everytime we have an exam on a sunday..

actually im on the verge of giving up..two crucial subjects that i might fail..and i am thinking of dropping one..but i just cant..i am so afraid..afraid that mom will get mad and be very disappointed..afraid of what might happen if i didnt drop the subject..afraid of having a bad record..afraid of what other people will say about me. afraid of everything..

sometimes..i feel that i am one loser in this world..because it seems that i cant prove my self..i cant excell in something extraordinary..i cant even excell in simple things..i cant make my parents proud of what i am doing..i cant be like other girls..i cant be what they expect me to be..i cant make them love me. arghh..loser..

yes..obviously, i am losing my self esteem in this post now.

maybe i am just too tired..too tired of everything.