box of chocolate

"Its like rain on your wedding day
Its a free ride when youve already paid
Its the good advice that you just didnt take
Who wouldve thought... it figures.

-Ironic-

all along we feel that things are on their perfect places but then suddenly, life surprises us! then we end up asking "bakit ganito? why at this time pa? akala ko ba okay na?" ewan.

my summer wasn’t a perfect one as it may seem. On dad's last day here, after a long time, I witnessed a fight. My parents fought over something so stupid and they ended up not talking. Frustration came to me. I thought things are okay the whole time that dad's here. All the perfect moments was gone and the worse thing, I can’t understand why that happened and who to blame in destoying my perfect summer. The saddest part, I just kept it all with me and show them that I don’t care. Constantly thinking that im not affected. IM NOT.... i am.

may mga bagay din na hindi ganon kadali makuha kahit akala natin kaya naman. marami daw namamatay sa maling akala, muntik na cguro ako… ang tigas kasi ng ulo ko eh. akala ko kasi pumayag na si mom eh. so ayan, when i got this nice package, bumaliktad ang inaakala kong tahimik n linggo kasama nanay ko. kung pwede lang akong magpalamon s lupa, malamang ginawa ko na. pero umiral ang lawyer-slash-actress me. hindi ako nagpasindak sa nanay ko. as if im not affected. as if i dont hear anything because i kept thinking: i have my reasons why i ask for this package and my reasons are, of course, sensible. so tama ako and i know that i deserve this!

but the guilt never left me. the feeling that i've hurt my mom again (for the nth time) because of my silly decisions. The disappointment I’ve caused her. So this is where I feel ashamed of myself.

But what can I do right? The damage has been done.
no replays. no reverse.no turning back.

i just have to accept, be firm and try to make the next a perfect or the right one, at least.
SMILE :)

january twenty nine two thousand and nine.

i ditched my only econ class for this semester today. it's a winnie monsod not to be missed class.

why?..

i just want to.

it wasn't part of the plan. but choosing to made my day complete.

i am already in UP by 9am then i went somewhere to save a life. and risk mine.?.?.

i met the dad.. i wasnt expecting that. i enjoyed the chat.

i also enjoyed the time spent laughing and doing what it was before. i missed everything.

i just realized that i have been depriving myself too much. the deprivation made the craving so bad. that when serving it made my world stop. and i started to breathe again. breathe the air i was breathing way back. what i'm treasuring right now may not be the same story as before but this is still something to be cherished.

the introduction: "the only person who knew everything and stayed with me."

yes. I am happy.




--missed.

nothing more nothing less

i just love listening to our parish priest's homily. it makes a lot of sense, of course, it MUST.

it's about judging how other people live and do with their lives. we often judge the people around us by the way they look, the way they act and their actions specially when faced in life situations but we dont really know and we dont fully understand why do these people does things the way they chose to. sila lang naman talaga ang nakakaalam kung bakit ganon sila at kung bakit yun ang ginawa nila, hindi tayo. tapos tayo pa ang may gana na manghusga sa kanila eh c Lord naman ang nagdrowing nang buhay nila.. we were just too absorbed by the way we live our lives that we want to see other people live it the way we do.. and all the while, all we need to do and all they're asking us is just to UNDERSTAND. and not JUDGE.

after that, i asked my self. do i really understand my friend's decision?

then i went back to the details and realized that i did something wrong and something is still wrong with me. i insisted something that i thought would be the right thing to do but honestly, i insisted that because i think it's in favor of me, because that's what i want and that's how i will act if placed in that situation. i pursued it because i dont want to be in a new set up, because i am happy with the old one. something is wrong with me because i said that i understand everything, but honestly, I DONT and maybe i dont want to pick up the thought.

i lied. i judged. i am too close to understand and to accept the reasons behind that silly, stupid decision.

it maybe selfish but i just want things on my side. and that's why i am still trying my best to convince my friend. but i guess it's too late for me now.



you've decided.

so please

keep your word!

or else...

it ends here.

i guess my "summer fun" ends here..my supposedly last summer trip to batangas with the team building class today was canceled for the weather forbids.. and tada! a trip wasted leaving excited students bored and hanging.

my summer ends here to be followed by a two or three bummer and dvd marathon weeks..or maybe a chance for me to save up for months of sleepless nights and stressful days coming up..

summer is officially over for me and it's the start of boredom and dull rainy days.. :(

..which results to a number of whatever lists...

must-haves and must-dos before classes starts..

• 10 or more hours of sleep everyday
• supeerrr clean my room again
• SHOPPING! SHOPPING! SHOPPING!
• a day with friends!! please...
  
• see iron man in the movie house
• visit a salon
• see a beach..though it's now rainy...
• a bonding with my team building class
• get a new battery for my laptop
• go out and drive out of town...
  
• to learn the guitar again..seriously this time..

on a more serious note..i often read and hear stories of people talking about their existence and them making the best out of their existence..so out of the blue..i just asked myself..why is it that it seems that i don't really know what to do with myself, why is it that i cant see my self in the future...

why do i exist?

• to TRAVEL
• feel
• be strong for other people's weakness
  
• save humankind from its extinction--reproduce! hahaha...
• be an angel to someone
• create friendships
• love
• add to my parents' burden
• serve the real purpose why i exist..sad but still i don't know what it is....

and now, what do i want?

• visit all the places on earth
• get a high paying job or a rich-high-earning husband (hahaha)
• have my own restaurant and be the master chef
• learn photography
• backpacking
• publish a book before i die
• be with someone
• play touch rugby again, learn tennis, gymnastics, pilates, wake boarding and surfing
• be called an athlete
• fly a kite
• become a drifter
• make my parents proud and get them up the stage to hand me my medal
• receive an extra-ordinary wedding proposal (but not necessarily get married..hahaha)
• dance in the rain with someone
• stargaze

too much for the list...this is the result of a saturday afternoon boredom inside the house.....tsk tsk..

akala nyo nagbibiro ako ah..

hahahaha!!! everybody thought that i was joking nung cnabi kong "ill bring the car today" kaya cneryoso ko talaga..dinala ko nga ung car...then when im finally in UP...i texted my mom and let her know na dala ko nga ung car...tawagan b naman daw ako sa cell phone and panic! haha..

well, nagddrive naman na talaga ako ever since i turned 18..pero i always make sure that someone who knows to drive is with me..mejo mabigat kc ung car ni dad kaya im afraid na bka mabangga ko un..kaya cguro hindi ako cneryoso ni mama and ng mga kapatid ko nung cnabi kong "ill bring the car today"..hahaha..

achievement toh..mejo na at ease na din ako to drive alone..hehe :)

naki ride pa ung team building classmates ko...my first ever passengers... yey!! :)

tama ba ang ginawa ko?

i miss ym so i signed in..without even realizing na hindi ako invi..c GOD tlga..playful! haha.

"BUZZ!" "BUZZ!"

oh crap! a big mistake!...though i thought it'll be the usual..but no.

"xa:ei hehe..musta."

sbi na eh..always make sure that you are invisible specially at your state ryt now! so the conversation goes on...lalala..

"xa: haha.. pahinga ka, so wla ka na pasok bukas?"

what? agen? ano daw ggwin ko? wat? i never heard that since last year i guess. and i thought i was fine. so it's not the right time for that..argh..

"zel: pasalamat ka. :P

xa: ang galing! haha tanx.

xa:savior tlga kita kahit saan. :-P

zel: haha..ntawa nmn ako dun!

xa:hehe.. ur my savior...! :))

zel: tgilan mo ko noh!

xa: savior!

zel: hnd k tlga ttgil? ang kulit mo tlga khit anong mngyri noh?!

xa: hehe xempre.. hehe

xa:savior,, papalitan ko na sa phone ko pangalan mo.. nakalagay.."

i never expected that..so that's what he thinks..honestly, i dont know what to feel about this..it seems to me n un na nga tlga ang role ko..nakakalungkot.. pero hnd ko tlga alam..ang gulo.

"zel: pero minsan ba naisip mo na nagalit ako sau?

xa: oo.....

zel: tlga? kelan?

xa: nung sa paper ko sa fil 25..bkit?

zel: wla nmn..

xa: bkit nga?

zel: wla nmn.......tma ka."

this started everything...ewan ko kung anong nakain ko that i had the courage to ask..but i know i got to do this..to clear things and to have a better friendship maybe? or to have a better ending?

this is just the start of that conversation..mahaba pa ito. to sum up every thing... he is sensitive enough to feel, but he's not that brave to face me and say sorry at least. maraming bagay ang nasagot and with those answered questions things may never be the same as before (i just dont know if that would be a good one)...i got my faults din..and im sorry.

realization: we're both afraid.

ryt?

"see you around.. if we will"

it was the last week..

and a lot of things happened. aside from the excruciating examinations, i know that it would the last week for us. i thought i would be sad, but in my surprise the last day of that last week was the happiest part of the week.

for that one whole week...i was put into test.

and I've made a realization.. ever since things started..God wanted me to see one thing. i don't deserve you. looking back, I've realize why those things happened..why there were a lot of delays..why there were a lot of conflicts..why there were a lot of long breaks..why the lines are always jammed when it should not be..why everything seems to be wrong though we are trying or at least i am trying to see things in a different perspective..

and just this morning..i finally wished not to see you..He granted that wish with just a snap and honestly... I felt HAPPY. no what ifs...no regrets.. everything just seemed to fall in their right places.. it was the feeling that i was searching for a long time...only if i was not that stubborn to open my eyes..i should have everything fine at the earlier part of this crap sem. things should have been better if i just did.

i was not able to greet you a happy birthday personally, but i guess.. it wont matter anyway if ill just give you a text. happy 19th! :)

sometimes, i always choose to learn the hard way but everytime i have to... i make sure that it's something i'll never forget. i guess that's my best way of learning. and sometimes people have to learn in the hard way, but try not to let the people around you slip away from your life in those learning process..

"see you around..if we will"

:)

miss the play.

there were really some things that are not meant for you to have. that even if it's already in your hand, you have to let it slip for some reasons...

for some reasons, i chose to let it go. why? because i have weighed things out.

the only reason why i keep on being there is because i am happy doing it. and because i am happy. another thing is that i am happy. well, obviously i only got one reason for it. I AM HAPPY.

but i guess it is not enough for me to be there..

i have other priorities and it would be vey unfair if i'll keep them hanging in there..
it will be very unfair if ill just give them the spare in the very little time that i have..

i maybe happy if i stay.. but this is the reason why we never ran out of choices.


i'll miss the play. :(