when it rains...

...it Fours.and fours hard.

sabi nila ang blessing daw kapag dumating sunod-sunod. at meron ding version na ang kamalasan daw kapag dumating sunod-sunod din! i can say it's true. well, it happened to me last friday, september 12, which is technically september 11 sa US. i dont know if it was just the date or it's just that it is not my day or one of my not-so-lucky day. i dont know. all i know is that IT SUCKS! CRAP!

i just discovered that it was someone's "happy" day and not mine of course! it hurts to know that. so i slept with bitterness. and then i woke up with a very pleasant text message "i'm sorry but we will cancel..." good morning. and because of this, someone started to panic and called for an emergency meeting with those in the position and explain ourselves. so i end up crying, thinking what went wrong, or is it my fault or what are the things that i should've done but i did not. tulala. then came an econ subject, with the release of the exam that was very hard.. and the result. sigh. then came the nerve wracking meeting. eto lang: nakakatakot sila. and lourd talked to me that made the tears fall hard. jeme wasnt able to go see me. sayang. i need my laptop. oh sh*t! power search? i dont know. one thing for sure. it doesnt want to open. all my files are in there. it's half of my life. tulala again. the only thing i got normally functioning was my cell phone. and at the middle of an important conversation with a tie up, low batt. i transferred the sim to another phone. low batt din. may lovers din na nag-aaway nung araw n un. muntik madapa c joms dahil sa akin, muntik din c topher. hinatid na lang ako ni io pauwi. buti wala nang nangyri.

hindi naman ako naligo ng malas sa araw na yon noh?! ewan ko ba.. ayokong sisihin ang petsang yun. ayoko na lang din idikit sa mga pangyayari ng nakaraan. pero ano ang dahilan ng lahat ng nangyari sa araw na iyon? trials Niya. pero bakit naman po ganun kalupit sa loob pa ng isang araw? madami pa namang araw ah?! hahahahahaha! pilosopo lang po.. senxa na.

::nasa pag-iisip ng tao. kung ano man ang iniisip natin ay siyang maaaring mangyari. dahil inisip natin, ginusto natin iyon..

flight

...fly!

obem <3
(thanks to ate dar for the pic)

i attended the leadership training seminar yesterday that was facilitated by ACT, a group of friends that conduct leadership seminar for free to some schools. i have been very tired and stressed for the past few days but there were no regrets in waking up early on a saturday to attend a whole day seminar. through the seminar and the activities that they prepared for us, i've picked up a lot of things about myself, my friends and my orgmates. one of the activity was named as "the flight" and it was done to point out that in a team, there are times that you have to be the leader but there also times that you have to be a follower. that being in a team, you must work in a give and take relationship for the team to fly. it is always a compromise. we always have our strengths to be used to support other people's weakness and we have our own failures and flaws wherein our teammate must stood up for us. again, everything is a compromise. i teach you, you teach me. it is also an issue of trust. you cant see, im incapacitated. listen to me and you'll be safe. trust. thanks to my partner in that activity. :)

it was also a day where i was exposed to some things that can make or more of break me. it's something that almost stop the momentum i was in. it sucks. it's damn frustrating! i just felt that i'm still not enough. and that questioned the reason why i am doing some things. it also put a period to a long been asked question. the answer: most probably no! not now. and from there, i started questioning myself again, when...? why...? can i do it now? what will i do? how...?i know that my decision will disappoint someone but i have my reasons... and everything will be in His time. maybe there's someone more deserving than i am...that's why.

bakit natatakot lumipad ang sisiw? bakit mahirap para sa kanyang lumipad sa unang pagkakataon kahit na alam niyang may pakpak at makakalipad siya? marahil, ito ay dahil sa oras na lumipad siya maari na siyang mahulog, masaktan at hindi na makabangon pa...

snap

warfreak..

actually, hindi ko talaga alam ang nangyayari. hindi ko nga mainitindihan bakit ganito eh. hindi ko sinasadya. ngayon lang talaga ulit nangyari to... na may kaaway ako. or may taong galit sa akin.

kahapon lang, nagalit ako. hindi. mali. nainis lang ako. at siguro hindi ko nakontrol at lumabas lang siya nang hindi sinasadya. at naging dahilan yun para matakot ang isang tao sa akin at lumayo. hindi ako nagalit sa dahilang wala pa siyang nagagawa, nainis ako dahil sa salitang "ewan" mukhang mababaw pero subukan niyong suotin ang tsinelas ko, magiging malinaw ang punto ko. simpleng bagay. wag mo akong bigyan nang napakapilosopong sagot. lumipas na ang inis kahit hindi mo pa man ako bigyan nang dapat. nakonsensya din ako sa kinilos ko makalipas ang 10 minuto nang pagkainis. tinanong ko ang sarili ko kung may karapatan ba akong mainis at kung may punto ba ako sa ginawa ko.

kanina lang, may nagalit sa akin. may nabitawan akong hindi ko dapat nabitawan. maraming nasaktan. alam ko. hindi ako manhid. at may paki-alam ako. at may mga nakakaalam, hindi ako bulag. alam ko MALI ako. pero hindi ko sinasadya yun. humingi ako ng pasensya. may nakaintindi at nagpatawad. salamat. may hinihingan pa rin ako ng tawad. sana mainitindihan. dahil sa isang pagkakamali, may lamat na. pero susubukan kong ayusin at ibalik. cguro nga nakakagulat din dahil sa akin pa nanggaling yun. hindi magandang biro.

hindi ko alam kung bakit nangyayari eto. baka dala na din ng pagod. pero hindi pa rin yun katanggap-tanggap na dahilan para maging mali. masyado na din cguro akong nagiging prangka at komportable na palagay na ako na matatanggap nila kahit anong sabihin ko or kahit anong ipakita ko na madalas may eksplanasyon ako sa mga bagay na sasabihin ko at gagawin ko. at may mga panahon na walang laman ang bawat salitang sabihin ko. (ang hirap mag pure tagalog) people are used to seeing the good side of me. well, nobody is perfect. i have my flaws. isang reason din siguro kung bakit ginawa akong tahimik ni God para hindi na lang din ako makasakit. i think it's now better for me to get back to my box than lose what i have.

sshhhhhhhh...fix me.

last log in...

...53 minutes ago..

there are just certain things that are better off unknown. things you wish you never asked, never saw, never heard and sometimes never even felt....

best friends

"Best friends"

"...are the ones who are most closest to you..but they do have some quirks compared to "friends"...they are so close to you that they don't ask permission to take something of yours...they take it...they make you laugh until you choke on your own phlegm when your sick...and then laugh about that...they are the ones you can tell your deepest darkest secrets..and they share the burden of that secret..with the gift of laughter....they can see something horrible...as an opportunity spend a great day..and enjoy that darkness..in the lightest way possible....basically...having a a best friend is like an oxymoron...they make you feel the anguishes of life as the most dreamiest things in the world...but no matter..a best friend..always has limits...and sets rules..and loves you like a sister/brother..and cares for you like a mother/father...and teaches you like a grandma/grandpa (even with little experience)..and enjoys spending time together like lovers ..."

but sometimes, i see it as a word that have a "curse" with it because i've known a lot of "best friends" breaking up or are still together but doesn't get tired of fighting..but i'm not saying that it's true for all cases.

which is why i don't label someone my "best friend" but i call the chosen few as my "true friends" and have God as my "best Friend". For years, i never heard someone to call me his/her best friend. well, i guess it's something not to be broad casted but still, being considered as one is an overwhelming feeling. it should be.

i should be. but im not...

...because it was different yesterday. we're not in that boat before. you just made things harder for me. you should have just let me run away and get another life. selfish...


nice role for me to play in your chaotic stage...